


too much, so much

by randomprose



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, kuroo just wants to love him, tsukki has so many feelings he doesn't know how to deal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 09:30:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7709941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomprose/pseuds/randomprose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo makes him feel too much and Kei is just not built to feel so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	too much, so much

**Author's Note:**

> This is really light. I've had this in my laptop for so long, I just couldn't find the time to post it. /sighs
> 
> Inspired by Lang Leav's _Thoughts of You_ from her book, **Lullabies**

The thing is, at first, it didn’t bother Kei as much as he thought it would.

Initially, of course it did; especially since he realized it in the middle of a water break from a practice match at the training camp of all times. His eyes caught Kuroo at a start of a block, his body stretched tense all the way to the tips of his fingers as he straight out shut down one of Bokuto’s killer spikes. The focused concentration on his face is intense even as he lands on the gym floor, his smirk sharp and the glint in his eyes triumphant and Kei swears he has never seen Kuroo so dazzling as he did in that moment.

The fact that he found Kuroo Tetsurou _dazzling_ , even if it was because of a killer block and which is probably like second nature to the boy, in any way bothered Kei very, very much. Needless to say, he was distracted for the rest of the day and didn’t even bother showing up for extra practice that night.

At first, the realization that Kei _might_ like Kuroo Tetsurou bothered Kei just for the sole fact that it’s _Kuroo Tetsurou_. As in, _Nekoma’s Captain Kuroo Tetsurou_ with his highly provocative nature, confusing motives, sly words and obnoxious hair. He’s a third year in Tokyo and Kei will begrudgingly admit that he is some sort of cool and Kei is just a measly mean-mouthed first year in some small provincial town. There’s also the fact that they’re both guys and even if Kuroo swings that way there is no way in hell he’ll ever feel the same for Kei ever.

Kei took comfort in this knowledge, as he conceded to the fact that he likes Kuroo to himself, that it didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would.

But then Kuroo did and that’s where the problem started.

 

* * *

 

“What I’m trying to say is that I like you and would it be cool if you’d want to maybe go out some time?

“Yes, but I’m not paying for a train ticket to come out to Tokyo just so you know.”

 

* * *

 

Three months later Kei still doesn’t know what came over him when he said yes to Kuroo.

Maybe it was the shock or the fatigue of practice matches that messed up his senses that day. Maybe he thought he was hallucinating or it was a dream and you can do whatever you want in a dream can’t you? Maybe it was real and he really wanted to say yes because Kuroo likes him and he really, really likes him too. Or maybe his life is an _actual fucking shoujou manga_ and Kei is an _actual fucking shoujou protagonist_ trapped in a six feet tall teenage boy’s body.

Whatever it was it has led him to three months of daily Skype video calls, occasional weekend dates, non-stop texting and just him and Kuroo being _a thing_.

It’s not that he hates being with Kuroo. The Nekoma third year is really nice and smart and caring and funny and being with him makes Kei laugh and have fun. Being with Kuroo makes Kei happy.

But Kei is not used to feeling. He is not built to feel things so much and Kuroo just makes him feel so much, too much. He makes Kei feels so much that Kei doesn’t know how to handle it. Sometimes he feels like he’s either gonna combust or suffocate from the weight of everything that Kuroo makes him feel and he just can’t handle it. And it sucks because it’s like he’s the only one suffering.

Sometimes Kei wonders if he also makes Kuroo feel this much, so much that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Does he make Kuroo feel so much he forgets how to breathe? Because Kei does every time Kuroo looks at him like he’s the only person around, like Kuroo can’t believe they’re holding hands in a park and eating ice cream in autumn because why not. He wants to know if he also makes Kuroo’s brain short circuit when he tells him that he likes the color red on him. Because his brain just blanks whenever Kuroo tells him something he likes about him. Kei wishes he was better with words because maybe then he’d be able to make Kuroo speechless just like he does when he tells Kei he loves him.

In those moments Kei desperately wants to leave—to go home, lock himself in his bedroom and not go out for days. Lie on his bed under his blanket in the dark as he lifts shaking fingers to trace at the places Kuroo’s lips kissed. He wants to replay everything Kuroo said, everything they did. He wants to be left alone with nothing but thoughts of Kuroo until he’s sorted himself and the feelings wreaking havoc in him, until his heart has stopped beating so hard, so fast in an attempt to jump out of his rib cage.

But his hand is in Kuroo’s and it’s warm and nice and Kei never wants to let go.

 

* * *

 

“You should hear me when I talk about you to Bokuto and Kenma. Kenma actually walked out once. I just…I just really can’t stop thinking about you, Kei.”

“Oh my God. Shut up.”

 

* * *

 

But then there will be times when they are together and it’s just too much.

When Kuroo’s not there, his absence is so palpable to Kei that it scratches at his throat and picks at him with unease, but when he’s there it’s like there’s a weight in his chest that he can’t breathe and his heart is being squeezed. Kuroo does things to him, stirs a universe of emotion in him that Kei is nowhere near used to feeling, and everything is just so intense that Kei can barely stand being with him. Kei’s a logical person and the whole thing doesn’t make sense to him. When they are apart, all Kei wants is for them to be together but when they are, it’s just too much for him.  It’s a contradiction, really, one that just absolutely drives Kei to the wall. Being with Kuroo is made up of a lot of contradictions on Kei’s part.

And sometimes it shows—in his abrupt silences and quick withdrawal, the twitch in his eye as he worries his bottom lip. Kuroo stops talking, turns to his side to face Kei properly and Kei wants to smooth out the furrowing of his eyebrows and the worry lines on his forehead, wants to kiss the frown on his lips because this is just Kei being stupid and nothing Kuroo should be making that expression for.

Kuroo asks him what’s wrong and Kei shakes his head nothing and even tries for a smile. But the worry doesn’t leaves Kuroo’s face as his hands travels from Kei’s neck to his arms, to his waist, the small of his back rubbing soothing circles there gently and worriedly and _tell me what’s wrong, what’s bothering you, let me help please, I love you._

“Kei, please.”

And, fuck, the way he says Kei’s name. The way it rolls on his tongue in that voice of his should be fucking illegal. Kei is weak and hates it when Kuroo makes that face as if he’s in pain because Kei is in pain. The hand on his back is still rubbing circles and Kuroo’s eyes are so earnest as he stares at him and his unspoken words are echoing in Kei’s head and everything is so overwhelming.

_I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, Kei._

Kei reaches out and pulls himself closer, tucks himself under Kuroo’s chin and breathes him in. The scent of fresh laundry, mint, and _Kuroo_ relaxes him a little and Kei breathes easier.

_I love you too._

* * *

 

“The thing is…the thing is you make me feel so much. You make me feel so much it hurts and it sucks because I feel like I’m the only one feeling this way and you’re just okay. Sometimes you smile at me like I’m—like I’m the only person in the room and I just—I can’t take it.”

“Are you fucking kidding? _You_ make _me_ feel so much _it hurts._ Sometimes…sometimes it hurts just to look at you because you’re—you—do you know how beautiful you are? I just—oh my God, _Kei_.”

 

* * *

 

Kuroo tells him how when Kei said yes, he wanted to jump then and there and pump his fist in the air. He didn’t because he thought Kei would think him so uncool and take back his yes but he couldn’t stop smiling on the bus ride home, his team mates said it was creepy.

He told Kei of how when they first started dating, he’d lie awake every morning thinking it was all a dream. But then, he’d read Kei’s good morning texts and realize everything is real. How his phone is almost always on the verge of being confiscated in school because he kept looking at it for any messages from Kei. How he couldn’t sleep the night before their dates because he’s so excited. How he’s so nervous Kei wouldn’t want to hold hands every time because Kuroo gets clammy hands when he gets nervous and he always gets nervous around Kei because he really, really likes him. But, holy shit, he has never been so nervous in his life as when they first kissed because he was so scared he’d fuck up and ruin everything and then after that he couldn’t breathe because fuck Kei is so fucking perfect and pretty and he just really takes Kuroo’s breathe away. Every time.

Kuroo tells him all of this and Kei, selfish as he is, takes it all in and finds relief in them.

But because he is not good with words and can never express himself the way Kuroo can, in return, he conveys himself in his actions.

He sends Kuroo more messages, frequently to make up for the fact that he doesn’t really say much even in the virtual mode of communication. He makes an effort to line his schedule with Kuroo so they can have Skype chats and even stays up late as much as he can. When they walk together, he shifts a little closer to Kuroo and sometimes even takes Kuroo’s hand before he could take Kei’s. He goes to extra practice willingly and even stays after to help pack and links their pinkies together as Kuroo walks him to Karasuno’s quarters. And when they kiss, when they part breathless and dazed with their lips still tingling from the sensation of feeling the other’s, it is Kei who chases that feeling and pulls Kuroo for another.

It doesn’t stop the tugging in his chest and the twisting in his gut but it does make it easier knowing he’s not the only one.

 

* * *

 

“I really do love you, you know? So much it hurts.”

“If it’s any consolation, I feel the same.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can check out my other works [here](http://randomprose.tumblr.com/tagged/writing) and [here](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1592826/proserandom)
> 
> Hit me up at [Tumblr](https://www.randomprose.tumblr.com)!


End file.
